Here Without You
by Nuwanda
Summary: Lupin wanders through Sirius’ house, thinking back on times they’ve shared together and admitting to himself, for the first time, just how much he truly cared for Sirius. Lupin POV. Slash, LupinSirius. One-shot.


A/N:  Okay, this fic was just begging to be written after the Order of the Phoenix.  I love Sirius to pieces; I bawled my eyes out when he died.  I love Remus Lupin too, however, and have always been convinced that the two of them are a bit more than just friends.  My suspicions were confirmed finally and completely when my friend Rachel (Quillow here at ff.net) started talking about how the two of them are definitely gay lovers, because Rache can never see any slash pairings in Harry Potter.  I knew that if she was seeing it being more than just possible then I wasn't just imagining things.  I therefore decided that I had to write this. I always do this sort of things when characters I love either die or go through extreme angst.  This has both.  I hope no one kills me...hey, maybe you'll even like it...maybe?  *crosses fingers and tries not to cry again as she thinks of Sirius dying* Wah, I'm so pathetic.

Summary:  Lupin wanders through Sirius' house, thinking back on times they've shared together and admitting to himself, for the first time, just how much he truly cared for Sirius.  Lupin POV.  Slash, Lupin/Sirius.  One-shot.

Pairing:  Sirius/Remus......SLASH!  SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE SLASH, HIT THE BACK BUTTON, SHARPISH!  I DON'T WANT ANY FLAMES!  *twirls her sword threateningly (yes, I *do* own a real sword...thank God for medieval fairs!)*

Dedicated to:  Rachel, the Lupin Lover.  Lupin=3

_I'm here without you, baby, but your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you, baby, but your still with me in my dreams  
And tonight…it's only you and me_

_Everything I know, and anywhere I go   
it gets hard but it won't take away my love  
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done  
it get hard but it won't take away my love  
  
I'm here without you, baby, but your still on my lonely mind  
I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you, baby, but your still with me in my dreams  
And tonight…it's only you and me_

_~3 Doors Down_

            It's so lonely here without you.

            Every day, I find myself wandering the hallways, waiting anxiously for the meeting that evening, waiting for more people to arrive...people who I continue to hope will manage to finally take my mind off the one thing that I don't want to think about:  you.  No matter how hard they try, they still can't succeed.  No one will ever manage to get you out of my head, or my heart.  No one will ever replace you...Sirius.  

            Since you left me, nothing has been the same.  I stay in this house of yours, this house that you despised, left here alone with that blasted house elf, trying to keep as silent as possible so as not to wake that hag of a mother of yours, though I always manage to fail in that endeavor as well.  She seems to sense my very presence when I walk by, and I think she dislikes me even more than you, if that's possible.  She must think I led you down the Muggle loving path of righteousness.  She never would have accepted you and me.  I remember once that Tonks teased me that I had the mother in law from hell in your mom.  She made me blush.  I hadn't realized that she saw through us so easily...were we that transparent, Sirius?

            Sometimes, I think I hate you.  You shouldn't have left me like this...alone like this.  You left me much the same that you came to me:  dropping in without warning and knocking everything topsy turvy, with that stupid smirking grin on your face...that damn charming smile of yours.  You gave me no choice in the beginning of whether or not I wanted to be friends with you...by the time I had finally realized that I needed you in my life, you decided that it was time for you to leave again, tumbling out of my life with a laugh and a smile, the same bold bravado in your voice as you vanished from view behind that curtain, slipping through that arch as though you were taking a mere spill.  I watched you fall, my eyes wide in horror, my heart pounding as my brain ordered my body to do something, to come unfrozen, even though I knew that it was no use, that I could do nothing to prevent what I knew was about to happen to you.  Harry was luckier than I....with the naiveté of his youth and the lack of knowledge about that room, he had no idea what had happened to you.  He could delude himself for a few happy moments more that you would be back any moment, tossing that defiant head of yours and uttering a few choice curse words at Bellatrix Lestrange before diving into the fray once more.  I had no such hopes.  I have had none since then.

            I know not what to do without you.  You were like another half of me...no, that's not it.  We were two almost completely different people.  It's more as if you were a part of me...you were inside my very skin, my soul...my heart.  With you gone, I feel empty, as if you took all of my insides with you when you disappeared in that chamber.  I occupy myself with my wanderings through your house, with the Order of the Phoenix, and with watching over Harry.  I know you would have wanted me to do that, and it's something I enjoy doing.  There is only one part of my parental figure duties that I dislike.  When I look at him, I see Lily's eyes set in James' face.  It brings back all of the painful memories of losing the two of them all those years ago.  Then, Harry moves slightly or opens his mouth to speak, and I can see and hear as well as feel a different sort of spirit flowing out of him..._your_ spirit, Sirius.  Though I know that he is his own person, he has too much of you in him, too much of his parents.  It pains me to look at him and be so easily reminded of the three people that I have loved more strongly than any others I have ever known.  I think that I love that boy far too much these days.  I must watch myself so as not to become too over-protective of him, as he is the only one I have left.  I'm no replacement for Lily and James, though, no replacement for you as his godfather.  I'm no parental figure at all.  Every time I look at him, I can see the pain in his eyes, no matter how hard he tries to smile.  He misses you so much it's painful for him to see anyone, especially me, the friend of his parents and godfather.  I'm amazed that he doesn't resent me, being the only one of us all to survive.  I'm not proud or happy of that.  I'd much rather have joined you and James...the Marauders ought never to have been split up in such a way.

            I wonder how all this will end...will Harry defeat Voldemort at last, or will the Dark Lord finally conclude his work of nearly 16 years and finish Harry off once and for all?  I dread the outcome, yet I know that it must come eventually, no matter how hard I'd like to stop it.  Will I even be alive to see it, or will my most desperate wish have come true?  Will I have been able to see James and Lily again?  To join you, in whatever world I may...to follow you as I always have, no matter where, no matter how.  For I _always_ followed you.  No matter what crazy scheme you dashed into, I was always two steps behind, whether I approved or not.  I want to follow you _now_, wherever you are, whatever world you have come to at last.  I wonder if that's how it will end in the near future, or if I must wait even longer.  Am I doomed to spend the rest of my days wandering through your house, my heart heavy with inconsolable grief as I see the rooms where we spent our days together...the table where you and I would sit to eat and talk and laugh together.  The fire lit room at the top of the stairs where we'd sit together in the evenings, drinking coffee and reading...where I'd look up so often to find you staring at me, that smile playing around the corners of your mouth.  The memories go on for what seems like forever, until I find myself reliving the days at Hogwarts.  The way you, James and Peter told me that you would be my friends no matter what I am.  Our monthly outings, running on four legs through tall wet grass, the full moon shining overhead and driving me mad with delight, insane with grief at what I was...then seeing you beside me, knowing that you would be my friend through it all.  That day when James told us he was marrying Lily...that day you first kissed me.  

            I don't want to think about it.  As if I could help it.  Try to tell me to stop thinking about it...about you.  I hate you so much sometimes, Sirius.  I want to forget you.  I _don't _want to forget you.  No matter how much I want to forget all of the pain I feel at your loss, if I ever forgot you, I would be completely empty.  I would just wander the house, wondering why I was there, who had lived there before, who this insane screaming portrait was of.  I would have no purpose in life, and would probably soon forget who I myself am.  I don't want to lose myself, Sirius, but it seems impossible not to.  I didn't want to lose you, either, and look how well _that_ worked.  Without you, I've as good as lost myself.  I want you back, but I know there's no way.  The rest of my life will be spent wishing you were here with me.  I wish you were here with me now...that you'd come back.  You would grin at me, that charming smile of yours, shake your dark hair out of your eyes and tell me I'm being stupid.  "You're a right bloody wanker, Moony."  I can almost hear the amusement in your voice.  You would probably pull some stupid move on me, mess up my hair or put some sort of obnoxious jinx on me as much for your own entertainment as in an attempt to cheer me up.  Then, when you saw that I wasn't amused, your eyes would soften, as they have so many times in such familiar circumstances, and I would feel your hands clutching my arms.  "Cheer up, Moony...or I might just have to take _drastic_ measures."  As I stared at you, I would feel a great big lump in my throat as I saw that familiar look in your eyes just before your face went very serious but with that small, simple smile remaining as you leaned slowly forwards, your lips brushing against mine, rough but gentle at the same time, one hand sliding up to cup the back of my head as you try to coax me into giving in to the kiss, until I finally melt against you, happiness overcoming me once again as my arms find their way around you, as I recall once again why I love you...how _much_ I love you.

            I wish it could be that way, Sirius...Padfoot...but it can't.  I won't ever have my hair mussed up or stupid immature jinxes put on me.  I won't ever be called Moony again.  I won't ever see you again, except in photographs.  I won't see that trademark maverick smirk of yours, the impatient way you'd brush your hair out of your eyes, never wonder to myself why you never cut it if it bothered you so much.  I won't ever have another one of your kisses.  No one will ever understand me as you did, Sirius, and I don't think I'd want them to.  I lost something precious when I lost you, and since I can't have it back, I don't want a cheap duplicate of it.  I prefer to live vicariously through my dreams, where you _always_ exist, where I never have to be without you, where I know you will never leave me and I will never be unhappy.  For the dreams make it all worthwhile- the lonely days, the screaming portraits, the fact that I can never be as good a godfather as you.  When I dream, I can let myself fall completely into another world.  A world where you are always there, always waiting for me when I show up.  "What took you so long, Moony?"  A laugh and a toss of dark hair, a smile meant _just_ for me, _only_ for me.  An outstretched hand, waiting for me to take it, as you wait to pull me along with you into the unknown beyond- for we've never been afraid of the unknown, have we, Padfoot?  I do not hesitate; I lay my hand in yours, feel your hand tighten around mine as you squeeze my hand contentedly.  And I am unafraid as the darkness sucks us in, as we are pulled into the incomprehensible beyond.  As long as we are together, I will never be frightened or lonely.  As long as you're by my side, I can be brave and happy.  As long as I have you, I have _everything_.

            I can feel the hot tears pushing their way past my tightly shut eyes, sliding down my face.  No matter how many times I try to claim that I hate you, how often I want to forget you, please know that I'll never mean any of it.  You will always be deep inside my heart.  You _are_ my heart.  I love you more than anyone I've ever known, more than life itself.

            I love you, Sirius...always and forever.

~fin~


End file.
